Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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