The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
