tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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