i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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