My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
