Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
