New invention idea: vibrating tampons
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
