My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Randomize
