last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I faked an abortion last night.
where am i from again
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
