When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
