i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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