My sheets look like a crime scene.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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