I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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