Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
