Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
