Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
