Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize