haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
