Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
