If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
