Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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