And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
