Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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