So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm passing your future prison.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Randomize
