did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
