the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
