Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
