I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
