cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
