i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
