By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
