all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize