birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
