I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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