I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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