I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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