Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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