No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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