remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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