We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
