Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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