This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
The adults are the big ones right?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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