Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize