they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
