If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
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