i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
