The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
