There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
