Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
