Pappa wants mamma naked
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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