My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
