I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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