Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
