i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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