Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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