Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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