Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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