Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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