ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
