My liver just broke up with me...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
