My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize