Apparently you make a good broom.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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