My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
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